Category Specific RSS

Categories: Satire

Australia to close borders to Omicron Persei 8

Taking no chances with the latest strain of COVID-19, Australia is set to be the first country in the world to raise its border to travelers arriving from Omicron Persei 8. 

Confirming the decision, Health Department representative Richard Handler empathised with Omicronians but stressed that the decision was made in the interest of all Australians. 

“We still don’t know enough about this new Omicron strain of COVID-19 so we’re taking precautionary measures to close our border to Omicron Persei 8,” said Handler. 

“We understand it will be a difficult holiday season for Omicronians with family in Australia but from what the data modeling suggests, our hotel quarantine programs are no match for the Omicronians that have historically shown a complete disregard for our authority figures.” 

Extending an olive branch in the spirit of maintaining interstellar relations, Australia has agreed to create a new season of Single Female Lawyer. 

Elias Pivep

Failed stand-up comic who now gets his kicks from Simpsons business memes.

Recent Posts

Stakk Secures T-Mobile Contract to Power Super App Expansion

Australian fintech Stakk (ASX:SKK) has signed a three-year agreement with U.S. telecommunications giant T-Mobile USA,…

6 days ago

Medibank Backs Emyria with Landmark Depression Care Deal

Australia’s mental health burden is growing – and one of the toughest challenges is treatment-resistant…

2 weeks ago

NoviqTech Launches Quantum Intelligence Products, Opening Path to Enterprise-Grade Quantum AI

NoviqTech Limited (ASX:NVQ) has taken a decisive step into the quantum computing market, unveiling the…

2 weeks ago

BRE Wins Final Permit to Advance Rare Earth Pilot Plant in Brazil

Brazilian Rare Earths Limited (ASX:BRE) has cleared its last regulatory hurdle to begin pilot operations…

1 month ago

Harris Technology eyes profitability as refurbished tech sales surge

In an era of rising living costs and shifting consumer priorities, one Australian company is…

1 month ago

QIC Fund Backs Ark Mines with $4.5m to Accelerate Sandy Mitchell Development

Queensland’s push to strengthen its critical minerals supply chain has taken another step forward, with…

1 month ago