Carlton fans breathed a sigh of relief on Thursday night when captain Patrick Cripps had his 2-match suspension overturned on appeal, but none will be more relieved than cosmetic surgeon Dr Hugh Honey who was on standby to perform rapid reconstructive surgery if the appeal failed. 

Also relieved will likely be Carlton disappointment Paddy Dow who is believed to have been stashed away in a safe house for several days in the event Honey had to perform reconstructive surgery on Cripps in order for him to play on the weekend, as Dow. 

“Having assessed all legal options, we thought outside the box and were ready to go with the Dow augmentation if the appeal failed,” said Dr Honey. 

“It would have put me under a lot of pressure to perform the procedure, but Dow was selected as the lookalike on the basis no one else would have believed Patrick to be any other player.

“While Paddy has been struggling to break into the side, Carlton’s insistence that he was go good that we should draft him ahead of Luke Davies-Uniacke, Aaron Naughton and Tim Kelly, would have been vindicated if he put up a Cripps-like performance to secure Carlton a spot in the Finals.”

“Plus, Paddy, Patty… Same thing!”

In the event that Cripps did not wish to proceed with the surgery, Plan C was to just have Dow beaten up in a public dispute and play on Saturday heavily bandaged beyond recognition in an act of heroic bravery.