The world’s most locked down city is finally coming out of lockdown but having spent 3871 days inside under the watchful eyes of Chairman Dan, many Melbournians are stepping out of their homes with a disease not seen in Australia for hundreds of years. 

While everyone else around the world has been galivanting in daylight, Melbourne’s insanely long lockdowns, which began when a security guard shagged the tourist he was meant to be guarding (true story), have deprived the city of vitamin D delivered from natural sunlight. 

Essendon resident Vic Vinegar was one who stepped out the front for the first time this morning after 58472 days of having all his food and online shopping delivered to his door to comply with Melbourne’s strict lockdown laws. 

“It’s been tough getting through these latest lockdowns,” said Vinegar. 

“I missed the birth of my granddaughter, her first day of school, her wedding and the birth of my great granddaughter. But I’m relieved that Melbourne is finally catching up with the rest of the world and letting us out of our homes.

“After wearing down the carpet between my bedroom, the kitchen and office down to the house’s foundations, it was nice to see the natural world for the first time. But as I stepped outside, my legs just turned to jelly.” 

Rickets is the softening and weakening of bones, usually because of an extreme and prolonged vitamin D deficiency. 

Solariums in Melbourne have been booked out for the next six months. Unfortunately, none are listed on the ASX.