Category Specific RSS

Categories: Satire

Newstart recipient offers to assist Westpac with better money laundering methods

With Westpac standing accused of 23 million breaches by Australia’s money laundering watchdog, Hugh Honey has offered his assistance to aide the banking giant in more secretive measures. 

“It’s all about casinos, drugs and terrible investments,” said Honey. 

“Trying to hide it within internal transactions is too obvious. They key to is log dodgy transactions as big losses which result in small gains.

“Just go to the casino with $100,000 in dirty money and walk out with $20,000 in clean money.” 

Amid the raft of allegations against Westpac are a series of low-value transactions to the Philippines and South East Asia which have an associated “heightened risk of child exploitation” Honey had hindsight suggestions for. 

“Buying individual kids just screams trafficking. Buyers should buy in dozens.”

Elias Pivep

Failed stand-up comic who now gets his kicks from Simpsons business memes.

Recent Posts

Stakk Secures T-Mobile Contract to Power Super App Expansion

Australian fintech Stakk (ASX:SKK) has signed a three-year agreement with U.S. telecommunications giant T-Mobile USA,…

6 days ago

Medibank Backs Emyria with Landmark Depression Care Deal

Australia’s mental health burden is growing – and one of the toughest challenges is treatment-resistant…

2 weeks ago

NoviqTech Launches Quantum Intelligence Products, Opening Path to Enterprise-Grade Quantum AI

NoviqTech Limited (ASX:NVQ) has taken a decisive step into the quantum computing market, unveiling the…

2 weeks ago

BRE Wins Final Permit to Advance Rare Earth Pilot Plant in Brazil

Brazilian Rare Earths Limited (ASX:BRE) has cleared its last regulatory hurdle to begin pilot operations…

1 month ago

Harris Technology eyes profitability as refurbished tech sales surge

In an era of rising living costs and shifting consumer priorities, one Australian company is…

1 month ago

QIC Fund Backs Ark Mines with $4.5m to Accelerate Sandy Mitchell Development

Queensland’s push to strengthen its critical minerals supply chain has taken another step forward, with…

1 month ago