“One plant-based hamburger with a side of fried kale and kimchi, please.”

This is how straightforward ordering food at the MCG was expected to be when Red Rooster and Domino’s were kicked out and an artisanal selection of fast food was introduced. 

Utter confusion ensued throughout Round 1 however, as MCG decision makers grossly overestimated the probability of hipsters attending football matches for the food. 

Instead of the quick ‘grab-and-go’ style of worldly delights known as hot chips, chips and strips and rippa rolls that Melborunians had been accustomed to for the past 20 years, huge delays were caused throughout the stadium as fans tried to understand what the heck half of the menu was. 

Perusing the descriptively unnecessary menu, 60-year-old Tigers fan Hugh Honey eventually made it to the front of the queue before giving up trying to understand the menu, and politely asked for “a meat pie and hot chips, please.” 

“Sir, you will see that we serve neither pies, nor meat. Could you please also be more specific with the chips you desire?” responded the cashier. 

“Ok, can I have a burger with potato chips then?”

“Sir, we have a range of plant-based burgers that can be substituted for a number of different animals. Would you like the elk, deer or woolly mammoth? Also, we do not have potato chips, your choices are polenta, kale, ethically harvested rhubarb or Antarctic beetroot.” 

“Is it actual woolly mammoth?” 

“No sir. As I said, we do not serve meat. Woolly mammoth is merely the name of the flavour that corresponds to the combination of plants within the burger.” 

“So does it taste like woolly mammoth?” 

“Sir, I don’t know how old you think I am but woolly mammoths went extinct 4,000 years ago. I don’t know what on earth is going through your mind but it does not make any logical sense for me to have any idea what a woolly mammoth tastes like. It does taste like wool however.” 

“Ok. I’ll try a woolly mammoth burger with kale chips,” 

“Sir, what kind of oil would you like your kale chips shallow fried in?” 

*SIREN SOUNDS* 

“God dammit, I just missed the whole third quarter.” 

MCG representatives remain confident that the 40 minute queues witnessed in Round 1 will shorten as the season progresses, most likely from footy fans just bringing their own food or eating elsewhere.