Australian productivity plummets in line with opening week of NBA season

Frustratingly for HR managers around Australia, the start of a new NBA season has sent productivity across the country to all time lows as Aussies wake up in the ideal time zone to be watching American basketball every day for the next five months. 

With the season having kicked off on Wednesday and games scheduled every day to run from 10.00am (AEDT) to 3.00pm most days, HR efforts to engage their male employees in those hours have been classified as futile. 

Rather than punish their newly unproductive employees with disciplinary actions, smarter HR managers are re-aligning entire workplace cultures towards better outcomes. Goal-oriented tasks in particular have become hugely popular. 

“For the next five months, all meetings are to only be held between 3pm and 4pm on any day with no meeting to last more than 15 minutes,” said HR Manager, Martina Martinez in an All Staff memo. 

“If meetings can be replaced with a group email, let’s stop wasting everyone’s time and just send the email and move on. 

“Should tasks need to be done by a certain time, please state that time in the email so long as it is more than 48 hours from the time the email is sent. Should it be required sooner, do it yourself you lazy f$*k.”

Following the release of Martinez’ memo, productivity instantly returned to pre-NBA season levels as Martinez turned her attention back to the office fantasy league.