Elias Pivep

• Satire

Family shocked at how much money they saved by not buying useless Christmas presents

The idealism of gifting presents turned into chore-ism over the years for Melbourne man Hugh Honey who, tight on cash this year, decided to save everyone the hassle of throwing out unwanted presents by simply not buying them.  From candles for cousins that have live with electricity access, to chocolate for overweight uncles – it

• Satire

Annoying coworker goes quiet after ATAR results reveal their son is an idiot

For years, Martina Martinez has been so proud of her son’s extra curricular activities, boasting to the rest of the office about his Spanish lessons and self-sustaining veggie garden. So with ATAR results for Year 12 students released this week, the office was anticipating a flurry of chatter around Hugo’s prospects as a future surgeon,

• Satire

World Cup fan too tired to get kids ready for school

Kids can go school any time. The World Cup is only once every four years. It’s sound reasoning by father Hugh Honey who has embraced the FIFA World Cup as a worldly learning experience for his four children.  With time zones for Australians out of sync with Qatar where matches started at 9pm Australian time

• Satire

41yr old successfully convinces soccer mates he understands offside rule

41 year old Hugh Honey has had perhaps the biggest win of the FIFA World Cup so far.  After being peer pressured by his soccer-loving mates into attending the Australia vs Denmark clash live at Federation Square in Melbourne, Honey was determined to walk away feeling like he belonged. Despite more commonly remarking that the

• Satire

Beer companies fret over soccer fans having a good time sober

Following the news of stadiums in Qatar choosing not to sell beer to fans at the FIFA World Cup, beer company executives are shivering in fear with their greatest secret potentially revealed to the world – it may actually be possible to enjoy sports while sober.  Concerns within the beer community come with the FIFA

• Satire

AFL community shocked that betting on a predetermined result could be corrupted

Australian football fans around the world have spent the week scraping their jaws off the ground following news of the AFL Brownlow Medal betting scandal, dubbed Brownlowgate.  Most alarming was the possibility that betting on sports could be corrupted, given it has emerged as such an important revenue stream for the AFL that they promote

• Satire

Elon Musk fires 50% of Twitter workforce, discovers remainder were bots

When Twitter reported less than 5% of their users were bots, it convinced Elon Musk to make a takeover offer. Now with keys to the kingdom, it hasn’t taken Musk long to work out those bots extend well beyond Twitter handles as he undertakes mass layoffs throughout the Twitter office, relieving those who offer no

• Satire

Wife glad World Cup on now so family can spend Summer together

Although the Summer of Cricket appears to have started earlier than normal with her husband glued to the T20 World Cup each night, Martina Martinez can deal with a few weeks of being ignored, knowing that she’ll get that attention back after the World Cup(s). “We made an agreement at the start of the year

• Satire

Boss pleads with AFL for shorter trade period after office productivity plummets

After one of the most action-packed AFL trade periods in recent years, office manager Grumpy Mark has blasted an angry email to the AFL, demanding that the league shorten next year’s trade period after his team’s productivity plummeted across the week.  From October 3 through to October 12 – coincidentally the start and end dates

• Satire

Instamodels flock to Tampa Bay amid Tom Brady divorce rumours

Antonio Brown is ruing his premature retirement from the NFL after his former team’s facility has been inundated with instamodels keen to party with football players.  The sudden influx of woo-girls has coincidentally come as rumours continue to swell that legendary quarterback Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bündchen are headed for a divorce.  For the

• Satire

Parramatta residents renew push for NRL Grand Final Monday public holiday

Livid with his State Government’s failure to replicate Victoria’s AFL Grand Final Friday public holiday, Hugh Honey is threatening to move south of the border if New South Wales does not introduce a similar public holiday.  The Victorian public holiday – introduced by Premier Daniel Andrews in 2015 as a win-at-all-costs election promise – is

• Satire

Sydney office worker claims ‘week of mourning’ not related to AFL Grand Final

While he may be a diehard Sydney Swans fan, Hugh Honey will not be enjoying the festivities linked to his team making the AFL Grand Final, instead telling management that he is so upset by the passing of Queen Elizabeth II that he needs some additional bereavement leave.  Although bereavement leave is typically only claimable

• Satire

Office fantasy sports guy almost convinces someone it’s fun

Obsessive fantasy sports team coach Vic Vinegar has almost taken home the biggest win of the season, as office people-pleaser Hugh Honey finally relents, saying ‘sounds fun, I’ll give it a go’ to Vinegar’s long winded explanation of his fantasy NFL draft. As the NFL season kicks off, Vinegar has been on the prowl to

• Satire

Record number of NRL players shave head to become more aerodynamic

A bevy of NRL players have rocked up to training this week after shaving their heads in a bid to improve their speed by becoming more aerodynamic. The move is believed to be linked to a sport scientist identifying a correlation between speed and on-field success, prompting many to take all measures possible to improve

• Satire

Cosmetic surgeon relieved to avoid executing Plan B on Patrick Cripps

Carlton fans breathed a sigh of relief on Thursday night when captain Patrick Cripps had his 2-match suspension overturned on appeal, but none will be more relieved than cosmetic surgeon Dr Hugh Honey who was on standby to perform rapid reconstructive surgery if the appeal failed.  Also relieved will likely be Carlton disappointment Paddy Dow

• Satire

Aussie conflicted by choice of dim sims or hotdog as Pelosi lands in Taiwan

With political eyes on Taiwan as Nancy Pelosi proceeded with her visit to Taipei against the wishes of China, construction worker Hugh Honey faces a similar conflict as to whether he supports the East or West.  A connoisseur of take away joints, Honey is battling the inner struggles of where his allegiances lie, conscious that

• Satire

AFL umpires to call play on as long as Jack Ginnivan’s head remains attached to body

AFL players around the country have been undertaking special training drills this week to ensure they do not behead players while tackling, following changes in the game instigated by Collingwood forward Jack Ginnivan.  As the controversy that has engulfed the league after Ginnivan’s penchant for drawing high tackles drew the ire of the league, questions

• Satire

Office worker feigns disappointment about return to working from home

As news broke of rising Covid cases in Australia, marketing assistant Hugh Honey was the first to express disappointment about the office having to possibly revert back to working from home. For most of his co-workers, it meant they’d be hearing a lot less of him after management had to expressly order him back into

• Satire

Local dad confirms 700 drinks doesn’t make you a distraction at son’s tennis match

Is it possible to consume 700 alcoholic drinks and not be a distraction? It’s the brainteaser plaguing the tennis world that local hero Hugh Honey volunteered to debunk at his son’s junior tennis championships.  The challenge came about after Nick Kyrgios insisted a fan be kicked out of the Wimbledon final for being a distraction,

• Satire

Apprentice tasked with asking families for extra $200k to complete their home build

When Hugh Honey was taken on last week as an apprentice on minimum wage, he thought he’d learn the ropes starting off with concrete mixing and brick laying. Within two hours, he was on the phone calling families asking them to transfer $200,000 if they want their home completed.  As mass layoffs sweep through Australia’s

• Satire

Desperate millennial bails on drinks to stay up till 12.01am and lodge tax return

While his friends were out partying in celebration of their mid-year exams, Hugo Honey did the responsible thing by staying at home to get his affairs in order. He definitely didn’t bail on drinks because he’s surviving on food scraps and desperately needed his tax return to pay his rent.  Having blown his monthly grocery

• Satire

Hippie candlemaker’s career choice now vindicated by energy crisis

When Martina Martinez told her mother she was dropping out of high school to live a life without boundaries or governance, it was met with backlash and suggestions of stupidity. But with Australia currently undergoing an energy crisis which has resulted in mass blackouts, Martinez’s decision has been met with vindication as her mother knocked

• Satire

Frugal shopper removes bone from T-Bone steak to reduce grocery bill

As Australians around the nation seek innovative ways to reduce their grocery bills amid skyrocketing prices, Melbourne resident Hugh Honey has executed a very simple strategy to save a few pennies – just stop paying for wastage.  To do so, he has been stocked up in the deli section on red meats but before processing

• Satire

4yo pulls head in, solves Markle family crisis and launches line of royal menswear

Just days after being caught on camera during the Platinum Jubilee acting like a 4-year-old and drawing attention to the parenting tactics of Kate Middleton, Prince Louis has ‘pulled his head in’,  solved a global crisis, brought pride back to the Royals, and despite all this, it seems the media aren’t satisfied with the Duchess

• Satire

Music graduate commences 3-year run up to produce most annoying jingle ever

• Satire

Millennial saves ScoMo the paperwork, hands over $50k super and still doesn’t own a home

Amid the raft of election promises that get thrown into public domain every four years, one of the most controversial this time around is the $50k Superannuation Access scheme. Saving time and paperwork for all those who already own homes and don’t care about the policy’s impact, millennial Vic Vinegar has agreed to just give

• Satire

Child found starving as parent juggles ham sandwich risks after Cancer Council warning

With no idea what to feed her children for lunch now that ham sandwiches lead to cancer, Martina Martinez placed her child’s lunch order with the Cancer Council requesting a non-cancerous lunch but is still yet to hear back from the organisation. Placing a $10 note in a paper bag with her child’s name and

• Satire

Boyfriend relieved that psychopath girlfriend doesn’t poop the bed

Boyfriends around the world are now thinking twice before labelling their girlfriends as ‘crazy’ or ‘a psychopath’ after revelations from the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp case were made public.  With news quickly spreading through tabloid and social media of faecal excrement found in Depp’s bed, Hugh Honey has shelved plans to break up with

• Satire

Pothead arrested thinking 420 Day amnesty was a real thing

April 20, it’s a day on the calendar looked forward to by many health enthusiasts. A day dedicated to celebrating the wonderful joys that cannabis has delivered across generations to best be known as 420 Day. The day quickly turned sour however for Hugh Honey who was arrested on possession and public nuisance charges.  A

• Satire

Political editor prepares 2 months worth of Anal jokes for campaign coverage

ScoMo vs AnAl, it’s the punniest political contest one editor will have the privilege of covering thanks to the widely accepted mashing of first and last names made popular by Prime Minister Scott Morrison. Ever since ScoMo’s ascendance to office, political editors around the nation have been praying that Anthony Albanese rise up the Labor

• Satire

Melbournian zooming around in semi-automatic signals the return of F1

For three years, residents of Albert Park have been able to enjoy the tranquility of urban lifestyle in peace but that has been put on hold this week as Melbournians have been cruising around, revving their engines and switching their humble Prius into semi-automatic mode.  That can only mean one thing – the return of

• Satire

Shifty bloke sets up shop outside Centrelink in preparation for $250 cash giveaways

Unemployed dole bludgers have emerged as big winners from the 2022 Federal Budget with confirmation that job-seekers would receive a one-off $250 cash payment as part of the Treasury’s attempt to even wealth distribution and counter cost-of-living increases.  In total, 6 million Australians will receive the $250 cash payment which has created a new sub-economy

• Satire

Old timer utterly confused by MCG hipster menu responsible for 40 minute queues

“One plant-based hamburger with a side of fried kale and kimchi, please.” This is how straightforward ordering food at the MCG was expected to be when Red Rooster and Domino’s were kicked out and an artisanal selection of fast food was introduced.  Utter confusion ensued throughout Round 1 however, as MCG decision makers grossly overestimated

• Satire

Thrifty mother solves gas crisis, son to walk 10km to school

With petrol prices at record highs, families have been forced to tighten their budgets to the point where Martina Martinez must choose between a tank of petrol or her monthly manicure. Ultimately an easy decision, she has convinced son Morton that he’ll help save the planet by walking 10km to school rather than the normal

• Satire

McRooskis to launch new 4 Ouncer burger amid Russian fast food crisis

With a global conflict raging, fear and hysteria have now swept across Russia with scenes of panic buying and looting gripping the nation which has prompted domestic burger chain McRooskis to launch a new 4 ounce burger.  Sceptics have questioned the similarity to McDonalds’ Quarter Pounder burger which caused a national crisis on Wednesday amid

• Satire

Call of Duty gamer reckons he can end the Ukraine war

Spending countless hours in his mother’s basement playing Xbox throughout the night, Hugh Honey knew his calling in life would eventually come, insisting that he can convert his gaming prowess into reality and end the Russia-Ukraine war if given the chance.  For days, Honey has been dominating online tournaments, all the while trash talking his

• Satire

Idiot mate insists Wordle is overrated after questioning wtf ‘tacit’ means

Despite word puzzle game Wordle taking the world by storm, high school dropout Vic Vinegar thinks the world is fawning over this stupid game unnecessarily , dismissing it as nothing more than a flavour of the month.  The outburst comes in the footy team group chat where Vinegar’s mates are quick to post their daily

• Satire

Former high school athlete agrees to defect to China on $100m sponsorship deal

Fresh off the Winter Olympics triumph of Eileen Gu who shone a light on the possibilities of budding female athletes around China, fellow half-Asian Hu Honey has confirmed that he too will follow a similar path to represent China on the global sporting stage.  The decision to turn his back on Australia, his country of

• Satire

Philadelphia stripclub IPO insanely oversubscribed following Harden trade

Investors around the world are throwing themselves at a small Brooklyn Philadelphia-based IPO following news of a monster trade that rocked the world and has sent 10-time NBA All Star, James Harden to the Brooklyn Nets Philadelphia 76ers.  With the arrival of Harden to the area, Brooklyn FishNets  Philadelphia 69ers Gentlemen’s Club has been inundated

• Satire

Bloke with a quarter-Asian niece takes Chinese New Year off for cultural reasons

As much of the Eastern world celebrated bringing in the Year of the Tiger amid Chinese New Year festivities, 32nd generation white guy Hugh Honey joined them in spirit from the comfort of his lounge room, ordering Chinese takeaway to commemorate the occasion that he took a week off from work to celebrate.  Drawing on

• Satire

Jacinda Ardern cancels wedding, single mate reckons he’s ‘still a chance’

With news filtering across the Tasman that Jacinda Ardern has cancelled her wedding, a rejuvenated Vic Vinegar insists he is still a chance to woo the New Zealand Prime Minister whom he has long had an unhealthy infatuation with. While Vinegar has the utmost respect for the institution of marriage, his glass half full mentality

• Satire

Hospital janitor relieved to learn ‘Code Brown’ is not what he thought it was

As the words ‘Code Brown’ blasted across Victoria in response to rising pressure in the public health system, janitor Hugh Honey braced to head home sick under the assumption it was going to be a few sticky days at work.  That was until word quickly spread through the janitorial department that Code Brown was in

• Satire

Old mate leaves work early on Friday again, to get COVID test ‘just in case’

Sparing no expense to ensure he does not bring COVID into his office, Hugh Honey has committed to taking a COVID test each week on a Friday afternoon, for which he will respectfully leave work early.  The graceful decision by Honey has been made each week at midday on Friday afternoon with Honey insisting it

• Satire

Beer sales flowing as dive bar offers ‘one free RAT with every beer’ purchased

Hearing news of the severe RAT shortage gripping Australia amid the surge of COVID-19 cases, one clever bar owner has seen a huge influx of business from a marketing initiative offering “one free RAT with every beer purchased”. Dismayed customers however have been left shocked upon purchase of their beer and accompanying promotion which was

• Satire

England get first win of summer with infected Barmy Army stalker ruling Cummins out of 2nd Test

England are finally on the board in The Ashes with the nation securing their first win of the series after successfully getting Australian captain Pat Cummins ruled out of the 2nd Test at Adelaide Oval after their army of COVID-infected stalkers finally got close enough to him to have him ruled out.  The stalkers are

• Satire

Woman subjected to 6-hour cricket education after asking ‘Who’s winning’ on Day 1

In her attempts to meander into workplace culture, accounting graduate Martina Martinez has been given a comprehensive education on the inner workings of Test cricket after walking into the office tea room and asking her colleagues, “Who’s winning?”.  With her quaint smile of ignorance, Martinez was surprised by the response with her question met with

• Satire

Australia to close borders to Omicron Persei 8

Taking no chances with the latest strain of COVID-19, Australia is set to be the first country in the world to raise its border to travelers arriving from Omicron Persei 8.  Confirming the decision, Health Department representative Richard Handler empathised with Omicronians but stressed that the decision was made in the interest of all Australians. 

• Satire

Homeless job seeker turns down job due to lack of gender neutral employees, continues eating baked beans

In the progressive world of political correctness, employers must now be prepared for questions across all PC fronts after one media company lost out on a prospective hire who turned down the job due to the company’s lack of gender neutral employees.  Interviewing for a Journalist position with Paddy’s Tribune, Martin/a Martinez was flying through

• Satire

Melbourne rife with rickets as city finally emerges from lockdowns

The world’s most locked down city is finally coming out of lockdown but having spent 3871 days inside under the watchful eyes of Chairman Dan, many Melbournians are stepping out of their homes with a disease not seen in Australia for hundreds of years.  While everyone else around the world has been galivanting in daylight,

• Satire

Old mate can’t come into work because he misplaced his COVID passport

While some people in the office love Professional Development Day at work where guest speakers are bought in to inspire teams, Hugh Honey will not be one of the lucky ones this year after calling in to notify HR that he could not come into the office.  Where some might have been docked sick leave,

• Satire

Politician receives Order of Australia for not breaking the law or sleeping with junior staffers

In a rare move within the Australian political ranks, one long-time public servant has reached retirement having obeyed the law throughout his political career without crumbling to the temptations of drink driving or sleeping with junior staffers. As his rare reward for such a near-impossible task in public service, Hugh Honey has been awarded an

• Satire

Australian productivity plummets in line with opening week of NBA season

Frustratingly for HR managers around Australia, the start of a new NBA season has sent productivity across the country to all time lows as Aussies wake up in the ideal time zone to be watching American basketball every day for the next five months.  With the season having kicked off on Wednesday and games scheduled

• Satire

Not enough diversity, calls for an asexual rainbow Wiggle to be added to group

While some community groups have praised The Wiggles for replacing a white Australian actress with one of colour, others insist not is being done enough to educate children about sexual diversity from a young age.  Martina Martinez (they/them), a member of Sydney’s LGBTQ community, was disappointed that an asexual Rainbow Wiggle was not added to

• Satire

Star shares tank as Australians shocked that casinos don’t just give away free money

Amid the regulatory crackdown into casino operations which this week sent Star Entertainment Group (ASX: SGE) into a nosedive, Australians are in disbelief that casinos have actual business plans to occasionally win from games played by their patrons seeking a quick buck.  The revelations come amid confirmation that Australian regulators were looking into Star’s casinos

• Satire

Co-worker fades back into office existence after finally watching Squid Game

After being totally ignored and left out of all office banter for the past week, Hugh Honey has returned to being acknowledged as a real person, having finally watched Squid Game. To do so, Honey had to stay up all night on Tuesday to power through 8 episodes of the Korean series which is set

• Satire

Office braces for 5 months of awkward conversations with token footy fan

With the AFL Grand Final done for another year, water cooler conversation around the office is going be tragically awkward for hardcore footy fan Vic Vinegar who literally has nothing else to talk about outside of his work and football.  Previous attempts to diversify his social vernacular have fallen on deaf ears with Vinegar trying

• Satire

Smug Victorian reminds mates he has earthquake and riot insurance

With Melbourne rocked by political riots and an earthquake in the same week, Morwell resident Hugh Honey has been quick to remind everyone how smart he is for having an insurance policy in place that protects his home in the event of damage from both rare events.  Despite Morwell being 150km east of Melbourne where

• Satire

HR manager inundated with coffee dates amid flurry of annual leave requests

Once revered as the disciplinarian that would hand out warnings for misappropriate behaviour in the office, Human Resources Manager, Martina Martinez has become the belle of the office with just about every employee inviting her out for a coffee throughout the day.  The friendly coffee dates come despite Martinez regularly being accidentally left out of

• Satire

Kitchenware company partners with street hustlers after Nadia Bartel sends $3 Kmart plate viral

Despite being dropped by all her sponsors, the publicity created by Nadia Bartel for Kmart following her use of their $3 plate in recreational applications has prompted other kitchenware companies to partner with street hustlers in an effort to better promote their products.  After her best friend Ellie Pearson uploaded a video to Instagram featuring

• Satire

Fully clothed soccer mum baffled by her lack of OnlyFans subscribers

As an elite stay at home mum whose cookies are the envy of the Parent-Teachers Association, Martina Martinez drew on her entrepreneurial spirit by starting an OnlyFans account, posting photos of her cookies.  Much to her surprise however, paying subscribers to her channel have been few and far between with Martinez confused as to why

• Satire

Sydney residents storm Gladys Berejiklian’s office in celebration of 1,000 case milestone

In what may be the first of two pitch invasions this week, Sydney-siders have celebrated the rare achievement of reaching 1,000 daily COVID cases by storming Gladys Berejiklian’s office to give her a pat on the back.  The office invasion, a first in Australian history for the feat achieved, comes with the Premier today confirming

• Satire

Father of four pleads with boss to return to office

For many Australian parents, pandemic-enforced lockdowns in Melbourne and Sydney have been a blessing in disguise by giving them more special time at home with their families. Hugh Honey is not one of those parents. Working from home in his three bedroom townhouse with twin daughters aged 15 and twin sons aged 12 that are

• Satire

Australian disappointed she was not notified by Channel 7 about new season of The Voice

A group of reality television lovers have slammed Channel 7 for their lack of promotion around the The Voice which launched last night, claiming they were never notified of the new season.  Leader of the group Television for Reality And Social Heroes (TRASH), Martina Martinez was particularly scathing of the network’s owner Seven West Media

• Satire

Office superfan calls BS on lack of Olympic swimming events

Despite being the most irrelevant co-worker outside of the two weeks he shows the remotest level of passion every four years, office patriot Vic Vinegar is calling out the International Olympic Committee for its swimming program which he insists should be longer.  The calls come after Australia’s swim team dominated in the pool with 9

• Satire

‘This is not a sports bar!” Manager gunning for promotion shuts off Olympics coverage

With Australians glued to coverage of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics which are conveniently timed for gold medal swimming events held around lunchtime each day, the mighty victories of our swim team have united a nation. But not all have been as impressed by our efforts in the pool with one certain manager disappointed that their

• Satire

Removalist company to sponsor Katie Hopkins on working visa

It has not taken long for Katie Hopkins to find new work in Australia after big fired as the host of Big Brother, with the controversial media personality answering the call to fill a shortage of removalists on the Eastern seaboard.  Following her sacking from Big Brother, her working visa issued by Seven West Media

• Satire

Relieved introvert prepares COVID fears as excuse for everything

As Sydney and Melbourne brace for mass lockdowns, introverts across both cities will get some much-needed anxiety relief without the need to come up with random excuses to avoid social situations. By highlighting the risks of catching COVID-19, Sydney resident Martina Martinez can save an excuse from her stockpile of preconceived reasons why she doesn’t

• Satire

White man threatens not to watch NBA Finals until Rachel Nichols returns

Racism in the United States is on tenterhooks as old white men threaten ESPN not to watch the NBA Finals until their beloved host Rachel Nichols returns to their screens following allegations she was benched from the Finals for her pale complexion.  The threat came following a leaked video of the sportscaster ranting to a

• Satire

Four’n Twenty re-brands as ‘Humble’ in New South Wales

With more than 200,000 pies that have been left unsold due to New South Wales entering COVID lockdown where the AFL and NRL have fled the State, pie manufacturer Four’n Twenty has come up with a novel way to offload their huge stockpile of pies.  Until further notice, all Four’n Twenty products in New South

• Satire

Britney Spears inspires latest #FreeHusbands campaign

No longer will husbands around the world be held back from a ‘beer with the lads’ or be demanded to perform the generally-expected house duties of a normal man with the latest #FreeHusbands campaign gaining traction across social media.  Inspired by Britney Spears and the #FreeBritney campaign that has gathered an outpouring of support for

• Satire

Meghan Markle gracefully withdraws from Nobel Prize consideration

Following the successful release of her children’s book ‘The Bench’, author Meghan Markle has withdrawn herself from Nobel Prize consideration to give her fellow literary masterminds a level playing field not impacted by her public profile. With the Duchess of Sussex now adding ‘author’ to her decorated career as an actor, producer and now Non-Royal,

• Satire

12th richest athlete Naomi Osaka to seek ‘Beast Mode’ as new PR advisor

• Satire

Melbourne office worker filthy about lockdowns and being forced to work from home

One of the proudest Melbournians in the city he still rates as the world’s most livable, office manager Hugh Honey is livid that fresh lockdowns will force him to revert back to working from home, an experience he deemed a nightmare last time this happened.  The Essendon resident loves waking up at 6.00am to ensure

• Satire

Elon Musk announces Tesla Meme, newest EV for poor millennials

Fresh from the insane amount of fun he has had toying with cryptocurrency markets through his Twitter account, Elon Musk has announced the latest Tesla model which will be designed specifically for his adoring fans, none of which can afford the current line of Tesla electric vehicles.  The Tesla Meme will hit production lines in

• Satire

Bill Gates lined up for next season of The Bachelor

Shares in The Walt Disney Corporation (NYSE: DIS) are being watched closely with rumours swirling of efforts being made by the Company to secure Bill Gates for next season’s edition of The Bachelor. The news comes just days after Gates and wife Melinda confirmed the two have mutually agreed to part ways which will see

• Satire

Atlassian boss shops for new HQ as tech giant implements ‘Team Anywhere’ policy

With Aussie tech unicorn Atlassian set to adopt its new “Team Anywhere” policy, shareholders are praising the Company for prudent savings they will realise upon the downgrading of headquarters. Still in need of a postal address however, its visionary founder was spotted perusing some ‘interesting’ options for the post-COVID HQ. Under its new “Team Anywhere”

• Satire

Multinationals axe social responsibilities with launch of European Super Exchange

Sensing the commercial appeal of soccer’s European Super League, some of the world’s largest multinational corporations are set to announce their involvement in the European Super Exchange where corporate regulation will be eased to maximise corporate profits.  Under the proposed European Super Exchange (ESE) model, business practices shunned upon by national regulators are tipped to

• Satire

Meghan Markle blames bad Zoom connection for not attending Prince Phillip’s funeral

Despite the supposed influence Meghan Markle possesses, shares in tech company Zoom (NASDAQ: ZM) remained unfazed after she blamed the video meeting tech as a reason for not attending Prince Phillip’s funeral. Markle’s initial reason for not accompanying her husband to the funeral was the fact she is 6-months pregnant and a flight to London

• Satire

Investor loads up on aspirin in response to COVID vaccine side effects

Amid news of the COVID-19 vaccine leading to blood clotting as a side effect among recipients, investor Hugh Honey has identified an investment opportunity whereby he has emptied the shelves of supermarkets and pharmacies across the country, hoarding all the aspirin he can get his hands on.  Honey, a long time aspirin user, drew upon

• Satire

Digger operator requests pay rise for solving international crisis

Having been given the monumental task of freeing the Evergreen cargo chip that has blocked the Suez Canal, Hugh Honey’s request for a small pay rise has been met with firm rejection.  The request comes amid Honey being the sole operator of a tiny excavator doing its best to remove sand from the canal’s bank,

• Satire

Christian Porter eats raw garlic whole, praises local growers

When unsure how to answer a question, pledge your support to local farmers. It’s a tried and true political strategy within the Liberal Party drawn upon this afternoon as Christian Porter identified garlic as his snack of choice in the middle of a press conference. Journalists were left flummoxed half way through his media appearance

• Satire

Meghan Markle now world’s 3rd richest woman after ‘shorting’ Royal Family

Fresh from her bombshell interview with Oprah Winfrey that has left the Royal Family’s reputation in tatters, Meghan Markle has emerged as the third richest woman in the world having closed her ‘short’ position on the Royal Family. A Wall Street broker who has requested not to be named as the idiot that underwrote the

• Satire

Cabinet proven not a boys club with single female intern invited to gender-neutral gathering

Actions speak louder than words so in their staunch rejection of political cover ups and alleged misconduct, the Australian Government is proving there is no ‘Boys Club’ in the West Wing of Parliament House by inviting intern Martina Martinez to a private function. The function, convened in celebration of Attorney-General Christian Porter’s valued contribution to

• Satire

Aussies now ‘dumbest population’ as Facebook news ban promotes utter tripe

Where Facebook newsfeeds once contained vital information about global events and safety alerts, Aussies are now learning much more about celebrity lookalikes as Facebook’s latest censorship update for Australia blocks articles that Facebook deems as “news”. The banning of news articles from reputable mastheads such as The Age and The Australian comes amid Australia’s media

• Satire

Gold and Silver rallies prompt investor to load up on Bronze

Having watched many Olympic Games over the year, investor Hugh Honey is confident that Bronze will be the next commodity to boom following recent rallies in Gold and Silver prices.  So confident is Honey, he has taken out various loans to hire storage spaces and filled them with the metal having stockpiled Bronze while it

• Satire

Group chat mate schemes to ‘crash the ASX’ after reading one GameStop article

After understanding the collective power of the internet, minnow investor Vic Vinegar is preparing to bathe in bathtubs of ‘pineapples’ through his plan to replicate the GameStop rally in Australia, with a scheme he has concocted through the “Lads” group chat.  “holy sh*t, did youse guyz sees da rally on game stp???” posted Vinegar.  “We

• Satire

Mouldy cheese and rotten fish found scattered throughout White House

A small Latino family business has hit the jackpot after discovering mouldy cheese and rotten fish hidden throughout the White House as part of what had been a basic cleaning contract prior to the arrival of newly inaugurated President, Joe Biden. The work had originally just covered steam cleaning of all carpets which had been

• Satire

Brooklyn stripclub IPO insanely oversubscribed following Harden trade

Investors around the world are throwing themselves at a small Brooklyn-based IPO following news of a monster trade that rocked the world and has sent 8-time NBA All Star, James Harden to the Brooklyn Nets.  With the arrival of Harden to the area, Brooklyn FishNets has been inundated with interest in their Initial Public Offering.

• Satire

New Year Resolution: Mate vows to stop giving trash stock tips

For investor Hugh Honey, 2021 will be a year of transformation as he plans to win back the respect of those around him through his New Year Resolution to stop declaring stock tips that send his mates deep into the red.  In doing so, Honey has bought a new phone which does not enable him

• Satire

Losing Punters seek class action against Crown claiming to be ‘robbed’

Gamblers that lost money gambling at Crown Casino have joined the procession of victims that have emerged to have suffered as a result of money laundering that Crown Resorts (ASX: CWN) knowingly facilitated.  Punters who lost while gambling at a Crown Resorts venue are invited by law firm Paddy & Partners to join a class

• Satire

Old mate still a cryptocurrency expert despite not mentioning it in three years

With financial uncertainty around a COVID vaccine and US foreign policy, Bitcoin and cryptocurrency have surged as a safe haven for investors, especially those who last talked about it three years ago, but insist they have been accumulating in silence. It had been quite some time since self-employed crypto investor Hugh Honey had been telling

• Satire

ASX allays cybersecurity fears, adds ‘1’ to end of all internal passwords

Given the technical issues encountered by the Australian Securities Exchange (ASX: ASX) in recent months, cybersecurity fears swept across the market on Monday morning when the market operator ceased processing trades amid technical difficulties.  Beefing up their defence, IT professionals promptly changed all internal passwords by adding a ‘1’ to the end of them before

• Satire

New incentive bonuses for media bosses that can resist sleeping with staff

Following the exploits at Nine Entertainment (ASX: NEC) and Seven West Media (ASX: SWM), network executives are set to introduce incentive bonuses for key leaders that can do their jobs without sleeping with their staff.  The swift decision, which industry insiders thought was standard practice, comes following news of Nine CEO Hugh Marks voluntarily standing

• Satire

Record number of bets for ‘Horse to have Good Time’ during TAB outage

Despite Tabcorp (ASX: TAH) enduring a server catastrophe on one of the busiest betting days of the year, Aussies have proven that there is much more to their love of horse racing than gambling as droves of punters wagered for the “horses to have a good time” on Saturday.  With the debacle, which Tabcorp have

• Satire

Channel 7 grooms next generation of woman-bashing drug smugglers

Fresh off the successes that came with reviving Big Brother, Seven West Media (ASX: SWM) is firmly on the front foot of their corporate turnaround strategy securing plenty of interest in new show SAS Australia which in its first week has celebritised a convicted drug smuggler while egging a man on to bash a woman. 

• Satire

Black Fly in mix for Designated Survivor under Biden administration

Having garnered national support following its outstanding performance at the Vice Presidential debate, the black Fly which won over the American public is tipped to gain a spot in Joe Biden’s administration if the democratic nominee is successful when Americans head to the polls next month.  Making up for its poor communication skills, the Fly

• Satire

Trump positive test is to superior COVID-US strain rather than China Virus

After months of ridiculing China as the source of the “China Virus” and “Kung Flu”, it appeared as if President Donald Trump finally got his comeuppance when tweeting that he and wife Melania tested positive to COVID. However, a White House source has confirmed that Trump’s positive test is in fact to a superior strain

• Satire

Entrepreneur eyes virtual fast food to counter virtual fitness boom

With populations locked up in their homes, there has been a spike in virtual fitness which has opened the door for entrepreneur Hugh Honey’s new venture that will enable lazy Australians to experience all the pleasures of junk food and indulgence within the comfort of their homes. The idea came to Honey after seeing news

• Satire

Victorian incensed AFL public holiday replaced by non-sport related day off

It seems that Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews cannot escape the spotlight of negativity following news of the State’s AFL Grand Final public holiday being replaced. It comes amid tensions within Australia’s home of sport which has been under Stage 4 lockdowns for the past five weeks as Andrews attempts to quell the second wave of

• Satire

Citibank to offer ‘friendship’ in hope of getting $900 million refund after blunder

Normally when you enter the wrong bank account details for a payment, it gets bounced back but Citibank employees were not so lucky after transferring $900 million to a loan account for Revlon and lenders refusing to send the money back. Stuck in a difficult position, representatives of Citibank have commenced legal proceedings to recoup

• Satire

Trump updates Tinder settings, seeking running mate with diverse profile

With a lack of qualified women of diversity within the Trump administration, President Donald Trump has turned to Tinder in search of a Vice-President candidate in retaliation to the nomination of Kamala Harris as the Democrat VP nominee.  The nomination of Ms Harris, the first woman of colour on any major party ticket, has seen

• Satire

Victorian economy requests to trade “thoughts and prayers” for actual money

Financial difficulties created by Stage 4 lockdowns have tightened the budgets of most Victorian families but thankfully, the State’s economy is well stocked up on thoughts and prayers.  There has been an outpouring of “thoughts and prayers” from Australian politicians being sent to the State but as the Victorian economy notes, it’s very difficult to

• Satire

Melbourne Mum sells cloth facemask, changes LinkedIn title to ‘Designer’

Despite having been a stay-at-home Mum since the birth of her first child ten years ago, Martina Martinez is proud to be re-entering the workforce having successfully sold her first home-made cloth facemask.  The sale via the popular Facebook group for mothers, ‘Gossipy Melbourne Mums’, has prompted Martinez to further her once-burgeoning career ambitions by

• Satire

Unemployed millennial insists $86bn budget deficit is “not my problem”

With news of Australia incurring a $86 billion budget deficit for FY20, the largest since World War II, some young Australians are confident that the Country is in good shape and that others, anyone except themselves, will resolve future economic issues.  Despite the impact which the budget deficit will have in future years, and likely

• Satire

Retail employee gets wasted from hand sanitiser to prove alcohol content

With foot traffic having dried up through shopping centres, Mosaic Brands (ASX: MOZ) employees have stuck firm by their employer which has withdrawn the sale of hand sanitiser products identified to have just 23% alcohol content when the standard is at least 60%. Despite group consumer group Choice identifying the low alcohol content, Mosaic stands

• Satire

Once-savvy Victorian declares AaaS business bankrupt

As Australia condemns Victoria for their guest-bonking hotel security staff, Hugh Honey has learnt the hard way that no one wants to be looked at as ‘that guy’ from Victoria.  Just one week after launching his Address-as-a-Service business to assist Victorians residing in suburban hotspots to avoid lockdown, Honey has declared the business bankrupt.  Core

• Satire

Savvy Victorian launches BNPL AaaS business, Address-as-a-Service

Amid the aaS boom which started which is seeing some of the most random businesses claiming to be as-a-Service providers, Hugh Honey has stumbled on a gold mine as select Victorian suburbs enter COVID-19 lockdown.  Throwing around buzz words like aaS, BNPL, recurring revenue and sharing economy, Honey has secured pre-IPO funding for his Address-as-a-Service

• Satire

Director outed after failed board stacking attempt

Investors were notably perplexed upon entering the offices of Paddy’s Resources for the Annual General Meeting where they were met by hundreds of Indian men at the corporate gathering.  Despite the micro cap consistently diluting the stock with incessant capital raises, there were an abnormal number of shareholders present for the microcap gold explorer.  When

• Satire

Channel 7 to rehash other cringeworthy reality shows after Big Brother ratings success

After failing in their attempts to innovate as Pooch Perfect face planted harder than Fat Amy, the ratings success from their renewal of Big Brother has prompted Channel 7 to revisit other failed reality shows. Cheaters, There’s Something About Miriam and Date My Mom are just some on their list of potential renewals. Like Big

• Satire

Builder adds $25k ‘Admin Fee’ for all HomeBuilder quotes going forward

Upon news that the Australian Government will be handing out $25k grants to build new homes or renovate existing ones, building company owner Hugh Honey has confirmed that all renovation and new home quotes being issued will have a $25k admin fee.  With existing homeowners to get the $25k for renovations as long as the

• Satire

Malnourished journalist survives another round of newspaper layoffs

It’s now been months since she’s eaten a meal other than Mi Goreng instant noodles but journalist Martina Martinez insists that being able to keep citizens informed of the latest reality television rumours is more important than red meat.  For Martinez, life seems fulfilled despite the consistent havoc played out in newsrooms around her which

• Satire

Law firm pivots Associates to hand sanitiser production amidst coronavirus lockdowns

Amidst the shutdown of most commercial districts, law firm Paddy & Partners has found a novel way to eek every productive bone out of their Associates whilst pivoting into the ASX’s flavour-of-the-month, hand sanitiser production.  It follows a similar trend amongst companies which previously had no experience producing sanitiser, entering the market to capitalise on

• Satire

Radio Rentals closure definitely not because people stopped renting radios 50 years ago

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to wreak havoc on the retail sector where, with populations in mass lockdown, COVID-19 has claimed another brand scalp with Radio Rentals to permanently close their 62 appliance stores.  The news will be bitterly disappointing for people like Vic Vinegar who has been renting various radios to stay informed on

• Satire

Bored punter turns to ASX penny stocks amidst coronavirus sports shutdowns

Where his weeks would normally involve absurd multi bets on various unknown domestic sporting leagues, self-dubbed professional punter Hugh Honey has turned to penny stocks on the ASX, bringing crucial knowledge from his sports punting to the sharemarket.  Previously specialising in Under 18 European Tennis, where Honey boasts an eye for talent, the shrewd investor

• Satire

Supervisor remarkably into Tiger King after being asked to work from home

For call centre supervisor Vic Vinegar, morning meetings were always an awkward mix of driving call volumes and feeling the ire of disgruntled employees. But since moving to work-from-home arrangements, Vinegar and colleagues have found a new common interest in popular Netflix series Tiger King.  Vinegar’s sudden interest in something other than the weather has

• Satire

High school dropout blames coronavirus for lack of job opportunities

Although it seems entirely out of his control, high school leaver Mac McDonald could not have asked for a worse time for coronavirus to be spreading, significantly hampering his employment prospects having been on the cusp of employment for the past 12 months.  It continues an unlucky run for the teenager who elected to leave

• Satire

Advisor adamant that THIS latest round of funding is the one which will turn company around

Shareholders of Fat Cactus Limited are buoyed that the company is finally set for a turnaround in fortunes following the latest round of capital raisings.  It’s been a tough journey for shareholders in the company which listed on the sharemarket five years ago and are yet to report a single profitable quarter, despite raising capital

• Satire

Big Four Banks Commit $25 per $1 million of profit towards Bushfire Fund

As Australian businesses, celebrities and athletes continue an outpouring of support towards bushfire ravaged towns of Australia and the thousands of volunteer firefighters attempting to contain the blazes, Australia’s Big Four banks have jumped on board too.  Unlike Prime Minister Scott Morrison who used the Bushfire media coverage as a publicity stunt, the Big Four

• Satire

Thieving Woolworths employee happy to “call it even”, despite wage theft

A former Woolworths (ASX: WOW) employee has admitted to systematically stealing from the supermarket whilst working in the fresh produce department and is therefore not going to pursue his share of the $300 million underpayment scandal.  Throughout shifts whilst a teenager, Hugh Honey would capitalise on his role by pinching a grape or a few

• Satire

Intern given warning as accounting error costs Nufarm $410 million

Australian agriculture company Nufarm (ASX: NUF) has had stern words with an accounting intern after the Company identified an accounting error when reconciling their accounts with German customers.  The error related to sales rebates which were incorrectly recorded on their books which promptly forced Nufarm to issue a profit downgrade. Shares in the Company subsequently

• Satire

Newstart recipient offers to assist Westpac with better money laundering methods

With Westpac standing accused of 23 million breaches by Australia’s money laundering watchdog, Hugh Honey has offered his assistance to aide the banking giant in more secretive measures.  “It’s all about casinos, drugs and terrible investments,” said Honey.  “Trying to hide it within internal transactions is too obvious. They key to is log dodgy transactions

• Satire

Bricklayer watches Moneyball, will win World Series if given a chance

Amidst the meteoric rise of the Tampa Bay Rays to the MLB postseason fielding the lowest salary of all 30 MLB teams, Vic Vinegar has channeled his inner Billy Beane to declare he will win next year’s World Series for any team willing to give him a chance.  A bricklayer by trade, Vinegar has mastered

• Satire

$150m brojob not enough as ScoMo notified he cannot be running mate

Australian taxpayers vented their fury on social media towards Scott Morrison after the Australian Prime Minister pledged $150m towards President Donald Trump’s mission to Mars.  The funding announcement came during Morrison’s tour of the White House, which included a frivolous amount of photo opportunities where the two political leaders appeared extremely satisfied with each other’s

• Satire

Investor liquidates portfolio to invest in clean energy following Thunberg address

After watching a replay of Swedish teen activist Greta Thunberg addressing the United Nations, an inspired Hugh Honey has shifted his entire portfolio towards clean energy, wholeheartedly backing the pintsized sensation.  The move comes not long after purchasing a substantial amount of petrol in readiness for a Saudi oil crisis.  Like others who were moved

• Satire

Savvy investor hoards petrol ahead of US-Saudi oil tensions

Hugh Honey is gearing up for a big payday after clearing out his local hardware store of plastic barrels and filling them with the commodity he expects to skyrocket in the coming days.  The commodity in question, petrol, is forecast to rise in price following drone attacks on a Saudi Arabian oil facility over the

• Satire

Investor claims credit for company and share price rise, citing 18-month old forum post

Sudden rises in global graphite prices have led to a 20% rise in the share price of Graphite Industries, to 12c, which recently also announced it’s maiden offtake agreement with an unnamed Chinese car manufacturer.  Amongst those buoyed investors was Vic Vinegar who was quick to tweet to his 29 followers about how he “told

• Satire

Disappointed shareholder outvoted at AGM, vents

Local agriculture professional Trevor Tractormen was left disappointed after attending the Dontgiveadamn Holdings AGM.

Finishing up his duties on the farm, Tractormen made the three hour journey up to Sydney to attend the meeting where he was hopeful to have a meaningful input into the company’s future.

• Satire

Double-Down investor continues backing AMP

It’s been a tortuous road for investor Hugh Honey who has been closely following the financials sector

• Satire

Sydney man disappointed after failing to cash iron investment in bull market

With iron ore prices having soared throughout 2019 following the tragic incident in Brazil which led to the shutdown of two major iron ore mines, pre-accident investors have had a handsome start to the year.

• Satire

Punter insists he is winning every weekend on the punt, despite coming home empty handed

With the Winter racing carnival coming to a close, Imogen Ignorette is disappointed that her husband will be back at home on weekends.