Boyfriend relieved that psychopath girlfriend doesn’t poop the bed

Boyfriends around the world are now thinking twice before labelling their girlfriends as ‘crazy’ or ‘a psychopath’ after revelations from the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp case were made public. 

With news quickly spreading through tabloid and social media of faecal excrement found in Depp’s bed, Hugh Honey has shelved plans to break up with his girlfriend having been pleased to learn that there may be worse partners in the world. 

“She’s been unemployed for the last five years and makes me do all the cooking and cleaning while supporting her and her seven cats,” said Honey. 

“Money is tight every week and she locks me in a cage over the weekend to make sure I don’t go out and spend any so there’s been times that I’ve had to question whether that is what I want in life or not. 

“The other day she ate all the food in our fridge so when I came home she offered to make me a green smoothie which was nice. It tasted like cat piss when I drank it but being green, I figured it was at least healthy. After I finished it and told her how nice it was for her to make me dinner, she told me it was actual cat piss that she blended with some weeds from the garden so I’d get some nutrition out of it.

“That was the final straw. I decided I was going to break up with her. But then I read the news about Amber Heard and thought – you know what? At least she doesn’t poop in my bed!” 

Honey continues to drink cat piss smoothies to assist with the household budget amid Australia’s rising cost of living expenses.